In July, I mentioned I had some “stuff” going on. Mostly good stuff, but I wasn’t prepared to announce it. I’m not sure I’m ready to announce it now, but my husband and I have already told our family, and any friends on Facebook who happened to catch our announcement there. The “stuff” is this: I’m pregnant with baby #3.

Actually, this is baby #5, which is why I’m so hesitant to announce that I’m pregnant. Babies #1 and #2 came without a hitch. Now 6 and 3, my boys are thrilled to invite a new baby brother or sister into our home. Little do they know the bumpy road my husband and I have taken to get to this point.

We don’t have much to show for baby #3, just this cute little pair of shorts that my husband bought in anticipation. We lost the baby at 7 weeks in September 2013, although it stopped developing around week 4.

For baby #4 we have two ultrasound pictures and a memorial announcement. We had more hope for this one, but lost it at around 9 weeks in December 2013.

There’s far more to each story, but I won’t expand on either today. After combing the web and reading the copious miscarriage stories, it’s clear my husband and I are not alone and that our experience of multiple losses is not unique.

Some women are very eloquent in describing their disappointment and grief. Me? Not so much. What I can say at this point is that having previous miscarriages makes an expectant momma very paranoid. It messes with the mind. On some level, I can honestly say I’m terrified, not for me, but for my 6-year-old and 3-year-old.

Regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, I know I will be okay. But will my children? If something were to go wrong, how would I tell them? How would I face their disappointment? This is what scares me most.

There is a person growing inside me, but for the most part, ironically, it’s out of my hands. I can eat well, rest, and pray, but ultimately, the outcome is up to God.

Proverbs 19:21: Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.

It’s taken me 30+ years to understand and accept the wisdom in Proverbs 19:21. I have no idea how to impart that wisdom to my children.

Hopefully, I won’t have to. At least not in this particular situation.

God willing, the only thing I will have to explain to them is that babies cry, a lot, and that the two of them should go outside and play if they are sick of hearing it. ☺

Only time will tell.

UPDATE:

Due to my age, I am in a “high risk” category, which means I get to have some extra testing and monitoring. Our 12-week ultrasound looked great and we just received the results from our Panorama test. The baby is low risk for all chromosomal anomalies and she is a GIRL!!