In July, I mentioned I had some “stuff” going on. Mostly good stuff, but I wasn’t prepared to announce it. I’m not sure I’m ready to announce it now, but my husband and I have already told our family, and any friends on Facebook who happened to catch our announcement there. The “stuff” is this: I’m pregnant with baby #3.
Actually, this is baby #5, which is why I’m so hesitant to announce that I’m pregnant. Babies #1 and #2 came without a hitch. Now 6 and 3, my boys are thrilled to invite a new baby brother or sister into our home. Little do they know the bumpy road my husband and I have taken to get to this point.
We don’t have much to show for baby #3, just this cute little pair of shorts that my husband bought in anticipation. We lost the baby at 7 weeks in September 2013, although it stopped developing around week 4.
For baby #4 we have two ultrasound pictures and a memorial announcement. We had more hope for this one, but lost it at around 9 weeks in December 2013.
There’s far more to each story, but I won’t expand on either today. After combing the web and reading the copious miscarriage stories, it’s clear my husband and I are not alone and that our experience of multiple losses is not unique.
Some women are very eloquent in describing their disappointment and grief. Me? Not so much. What I can say at this point is that having previous miscarriages makes an expectant momma very paranoid. It messes with the mind. On some level, I can honestly say I’m terrified, not for me, but for my 6-year-old and 3-year-old.
Regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, I know I will be okay. But will my children? If something were to go wrong, how would I tell them? How would I face their disappointment? This is what scares me most.
There is a person growing inside me, but for the most part, ironically, it’s out of my hands. I can eat well, rest, and pray, but ultimately, the outcome is up to God.
Proverbs 19:21: Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
It’s taken me 30+ years to understand and accept the wisdom in Proverbs 19:21. I have no idea how to impart that wisdom to my children.
Hopefully, I won’t have to. At least not in this particular situation.
God willing, the only thing I will have to explain to them is that babies cry, a lot, and that the two of them should go outside and play if they are sick of hearing it. ☺
Only time will tell.
UPDATE:
Due to my age, I am in a “high risk” category, which means I get to have some extra testing and monitoring. Our 12-week ultrasound looked great and we just received the results from our Panorama test. The baby is low risk for all chromosomal anomalies and she is a GIRL!!
September 11, 2014, 7:42 pm
Dearest Jessie, we experienced a loss between baby 2 and baby 3. Being a milk fed Christian at that time, and already having the 2 with an abusive husband, thought perhaps God was punishing me and that I wasn’t going to get to give Jim a child. But then, of course we had our Tyler. No mother and father realize how hard a miscarriage can be unless they have experienced it. Jim and I will be praying that all goes well with this pregnancy and you, Pete and those precious little boys will be spoiling your little girl and doing all things pink when the time comes. God bless you and keep you well. Love and hugs to all of you. Jim and Jackie